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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were
sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which
do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida
?????"
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas
station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for
speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me
to show it to you!"
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts
back, "You ARE on the other side."
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into
the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she
touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and
screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched
made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a
redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside
a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that
she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL
OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde
were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in
space!" The American said, "We were the
first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you
idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which
the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit
one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time
and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her
blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what
their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
*
* * * * * * * * * * * *
The seven
dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry
glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son,
there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!
*
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Bloke goes
to the butchers and says "can i have half a pound of kiddlies" the
butcher replies "you mean kidneys dont you?" the bloke replies "thats
what i said diddle eye"
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
A recent
scientific study found that women found different male faces
attractive depending where they are on their Menstrual cycle, For
example.... When a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
more rugged and Masculine features, however, when she is
menstruating, she prefers a man doused in Petrol, set on fire, with
scissors jabbed into his eye and a cricket stump up his backside!
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
Was
depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in
Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
The other night I was invited out for a
night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by
midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas
went down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for
home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo
clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would
probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for
coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a
possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3
cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me
what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'. He didn't seem pissed off
in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then
he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well,
last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.'
Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three
times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted.
* * * * * * * *
* * * * *
A middle aged man and
his wife live in a poor part of town and decide to rent out
their second bedroom. They advertise and a beautiful young lady
enquires about the room.
The wife explains
that because it is such an old terraced house there is no bath
in the house so instead they use a big zinc bath in front of the
fire in the living room. The young lady says, “It would be nice
to have a bath in front of the open fire at night, but what
about your husband?”
The wife replies, “If
you have a bath on a Monday or a Friday evening it will be fine
because he always goes out to a darts match from about 7 O’clock
‘till after 11pm.”
“OK,” the girl says.
The next night is a
Monday so the husband goes out and the wife brings in the zinc
bath for the young lady and puts it in front of the fire. When
she undresses ready to get in the bath she notices the wife
staring at her naked body.
The wife realises
what she is doing and exclaims, “Sorry but you have got no hair
down below.”
“I’m a model, so I have to shave it off otherwise it would show
through skimpy underwear and so on.”
Later that night when the wife goes to bed she tells her husband
about the young lady having no pubic hair. “It must look very
strange and unnatural,” says the husband. “You must be making it
up. No one would shave down there.”
“I could leave the
leave the curtains open just a little bit at the top so that you
could peep through and see for your self next time she has a
bath,” says the wife.
So the following
Friday they get the bath out and the husband goes out to his
darts match. The young lady gets undressed and the wife sees
some eyes peering through the top of the window.
The model is facing
the window so the wife points and then lifts her skirt up and
points at her own thick bushy pubic hair. Later that night in
bed she is talking to her husband and he asks her,
“Why did you lift
your skirt up and show everything?”
“Just so that you could compare, you must have seen me a
thousand times naked, why are you bothered?”
“I have, but the darts team have not.”
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THE JOKE
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